Everyone seems to be having kids these days. It’s an incredibly popular thing to do. If it weren’t, we probably wouldn’t be here today. But before you go bragging on Facebook or posting pictures of your bundle of joy on Instgram for the whole world to see, take a moment to realize that your kid is competing for the world’s attention with the internet’s own babies–cats. And I’m sorry to say, the spawn of your loins is going down. For those of you already offended, chill out. It’s just jokes, dudes. Here are 10 ways my cat is way better than your kid.
1. My Cat Is Cuter Than Your Kid
Even the ugliest cat I’ve seen is cuter than the cutest human baby I’ve seen, so I can say with complete, one hundred percent confidence that my cat is cuter than your kid. Even a hairless Sphinx is more adorable than a screaming, crying human.
2. My Cat Can Stay Home Alone
Your kid is either too young and incompetent to be left in the house alone, or they’re old enough to start throwing parties, sneaking in girlfriends or boyfriends, or raiding the liquor cabinet. The worst I’m going to find when I come home is a shredded roll of toilet paper. And I’ve got more toilet paper.
3. My Cat Doesn’t Constantly Grow Out Of Clothes
Your kid is probably growing like a weed that likes to run around and tear up any of its clothes that actually do fit. You’re struggling to find hand-me-downs and thrift store t-shirts just to make sure that kid doesn’t show up to school naked. My cat grows her own clothes. Sure, she may shed them when and where she pleases, but I only have to buy one vacuum.
4. My Cat Takes Care Of Bath Time All By Herself
Getting kids into the tub is almost as hard as getting them out of the tub. All that splashing, soap flying everywhere, and towels flung around the room–it’s all maddening. My kitty takes care of bathing herself on her own time. A hairball or two is a small price to pay for not having to chase down a tiny, naked human.
5. Picture Day Doesn’t Suck
Oh no! It’s picture day, and you have to bathe the child and find clothes that fit, all things that, as I mentioned before, are horrendously difficult chores. But you need to make sure Grandma gets the latest wallet-sized photo of your precious offspring. Well, everyday is picture day in my house, and I’m the photographer. I have yet to take a bad photo of my kitty. She’s like Beyoncé. She wakes up flawless. She goes to bed flawless.
6. I Don’t Have To Save Money For My Cat’s Education
My cat is already a genius. They’re born with more intelligence than a lot of humans I’ve met. So there’s no need to ship kitty off to college and fork over a king’s ransom only to find that when she gets out, she doesn’t have a job and is drowning in debt. My cat already has the only job she’ll ever need–looking cute.
7. I Can Legally Get My Cat High
My cat loves the nip. She really loves the nip. And when I see those big beautiful eyes go wide as she happily flips her catnip toy around the room, I know that I’m a good kitty parent. If you tried getting your kid high, you probably wouldn’t have a kid much longer.
8. I Don’t Have To Be My Cat’s Chauffeur
Until your kid can legally, somewhat safely get behind the wheel of a car, you’re taking them everywhere. Your kid wants to go to the mall to get all the Pokémons? Looks like you’re driving. Birthday party? You’re driving. Political rally? Driving. My cat doesn’t want to go anywhere. In fact, she’d prefer if I stayed home all day, too. My gas bill is quite manageable.
9. My Cat Doesn’t Need Xbox, Just A Box
Your kid probably needs all the latest gadgets and gizmos–anything that boops and beeps. And it seems like there’s a new one every year that costs a whole year’s pay. My cat only requests a box. And by the time she’s used it up, I need a new pair of shoes anyway. Boxes usually come free with shoes. When’s the last time you bought a pair of shoes and got a free Xbox?
10. My Life Doesn’t Revolve Around My Cat’s Schedule
Your kids probably wake you up at five AM for breakfast. You probably have to come home at a reasonable hour for them. You have to plan vacations carefully and restructure everything. Well my cat wakes me up at four AM for breakfast, and I have to come home… wait a minute. I guess my life does revolve around my cat. Alright, we’ll call this one a tie.
Is your cat better than any human kid? Or do you think your kid is superior to my cat? Let me know in the comments below!