Go ahead, take a moment to really think about all the angles. Be honest with yourself. What’s that? You’re having a hard time making such a loaded decision?
Well, you’re in luck, ’cause here’s some feline-backed propaganda to help you make up your mind.
1. Cat pics are better than new born baby pics
The obvious point first, but let the formal record show that kitten pictures are clearly superior to all new born baby pictures. It’s not cruel — that’s just how Mother Nature wants it to be. Also, photos of a toddler in a raggedy cardboard box might seem a little eerie, but cat-in-a-box is basically highbrow art these days.
2. Cats don’t hold grudges
Petty, deep-seated family feuds can last for so long that whole generations can no longer even remember the origin of just why they’re not supposed to speak to a certain aunt or visit an entire set of cousins.
Not so with cats!
They may be highly finicky creatures, but your cat will forgive you for almost anything — and usually in record time. Why, you could even inadvertently spritz your feline with a blast of a Swiffer Wet Jet while cleaning the floors and she’ll have forgotten the whole ordeal by the time you shake that bag of reconciliatory treats. Hypothetically.
3. Cats don’t care if you forget their birthday
My cat was adopted in mid-August. Maybe August 12th? Perhaps the 7th? But that’s the thing — it doesn’t matter! So if I’m a few days late celebrating her adoption birthday, well, it’s almost as if she doesn’t even know how to count the days of the week. Fantastic stuff!
4. Cats don’t care for politics
There will be absolutely no chance that your cat would do something certifiably insane like vote for a candidate with a wild, untamed, matted, medium-blond hairdo that somewhat resembles roadkill.
5. Cats don’t care for TV or music, either
You will never end up in a long, drawn-out, and possibly tedious argument with your cat about whether to re-watch 30 Rock or Parks and Recreation this evening. Also, cats don’t care for your human music either and will never judge your guilty pleasure Pandora picks.
6. Cats cost less than family
Consider this: According to the first result that showed up when I Googled it, it can cost nearly a quarter of a million bucks to raise a child from birth to age 18. Never quibble about the price of holistic kibble again.
7. Cats have better toilet habits
It’s beyond my realm of experience, but I cannot imaging changing a baby’s nappy to be any sort of pleasant experience, olfactory or otherwise. Scooping poop out of a litter box, by comparison, is a breeze. Also, you’ll never have to yell at your cat to hurry up in the bathroom because you really need to go. Well, maybe if they have one of those super fancy and very tempting futuristic litter boxes…
8. Cats can be safely left alone while you gallivant around the globe
Modern parenting codes probably do not look favorably on someone who leaves their kid at home for five days with only a neighbor looking in to top up their food bowl. Cats, by and large, are fine with this situation if you need to jet off for a last minute, impromptu short break.
9. Cats will not judge your appearance
Your cat doesn’t care what you wear and will never give you a disproving look because you’ve apparently chosen the wrong outfit for the wrong time of year at the wrong type of event. Heck, cats are truly nonplussed even if you parade around the house without sporting any clothing at all. It is as if they truly judge us only by the purity of our souls.
10. Cats hate guns
Here’s a solution for world peace that no one in your family could possibly argue about on Facebook: More cats, less guns. Case closed!