I bite my sweet older white cat on the butt because he is too slow. I am not ashamed.

I bit my owner on the rear while she was bending to clean my litter box.

I can’t control myself around toilet paper.

I chew on unused tampons and eat Mommy’s hair (usually when she’s trying to sleep!)

I dip my dirty litter pawz in your water when you’re not looking.

If you touch this kitty scratcher, even when I’m not using it, I will claw your face. (Just ask the ginger.)

I had surgery twice for eating things that are not food. It cost a lot of money.

I lick my owner’s underwear while she’s in the shower.

I lick the butter.

I like to fight other cats — and lose.

I like to take random objects from all over the house (cat toys, Christmas tree ornaments, my owner’s socks, etc.) and throw them in the toilet.

I look dramatically offended by everything.

I’m Miss Judy Mittens. I enjoy slapping kittens (with my giant polydactyl paws), missing at babies, leaving hair balls and hair in general laying about, as well as seducing the Boston Terrier only to turn around and slap him when he sniffs me. Call me maybe?

I once shredded mom’s 40-page tax return. I hate the I.R.S. too!

I peed on the hamster.

I save my loudest butthole licking for bed. Next to Mom’s face.

I sit in the sink & claw mom’s butt while she puts on make-up. – Gizmo (Siamese) P.S. I sleep on her neck like a scarf.

I steal socks, tissues, hair ties, & ink pens. I also swing from the curtains like Tarzan. Love, Steve

I threw up ten minutes into a ten hour drive. Because the weather was so bad, we couldn’t clean out my crate. We also couldn’t open the windows. On top of that, I was in the car with my sister, the dog, & my two humans. They blame me, but I don’t care. They’re just lucky I didn’t also poop this time.

I tossed a raw chicken wing onto my mom’s foot, then when she wasn’t looking I put it in her purse. Serves her right, too. She changed my food to save a dollar. One. Measly. Dollar. She deserved what she got.

I tried to kill everyone in my vet’s exam room.

I woke up my mom twice last night. At 3 a.m., I slapped her in the face and at 4 a.m. I played with my loudest toy in her bedroom. This was all after I had pooped on the kitchen floor. This morning I stuck my whole face in mom’s bowl of cereal essentially ruining it because I have no shame. Sorry I’m not sorry. – Kiwi

My name is Chester in this house the cats are not allowed on the work tops...but it’s okay coz I am from next door! I am the ultimate cat burglar, even the microchip cat flap cannot stop me from getting my 5 meals a day. Mwah ha ha ha! I am evil.

Oh, you were trying to work? Nope.

One of us pooped on the new rug.