10 Ways My Cat Might Be Trying To Kill Me

Cats are wonderful, loving members of our families, but do they have a dark side? I’ve noticed some awfully strange signs that my cat may be planning my demise. In fact, if any human were engaging in these kinds of shenanigans, I’d probably already be in a witness protection program. My loving little ball of fur may be a serial killer in the making, but she’s just so cute that I have to let it slide. Here are ten ways I’m sure my cat is trying to kill me.

1. Practicing Stalking For The Right Moment

Cats are born hunters. They have the stealth skills of a ninja, and they’re always ready to strike when you least expect it. Is my cat just waiting for the right moment, practicing for the perfect killing blow? Maybe. Or maybe she’s just bored and making her own fun. Time will tell.

2. Learning To Walk Like A Human To Replace Me

One of the things that spooks me the most is when my cat stands like a human. It just seems unnatural. Perhaps she’s observing me so that when she finally does me in, she can replace me, take over my life, and act as if nothing happened. It’s far-fetched, but you can’t deny what you see with your own eyes.

3. Plotting. Always Plotting.

Ever catch your cat just staring at you with a face that’s clearly pondering something nefarious? Oh sure, you may think they’re just lovingly focused on their favorite human, but you can never read a cat’s mind. What’s going on in that furry head? We’ll never know until it’s too late.

4. Waiting To Strike When The Time Is Right

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We let our cats get close. Sometimes maybe too close. I’ve often seen my cats claws unsheathed for a few seconds only to be slowly withdrawn, as if my cat is saying, “No. Not today. Soon, but not today.” What is that about? She’s probably just waiting until I’m not paying attention. Or stretching. Maybe.

5. Wearing Me Out One Pet At A Time

My cat refuses to let me stop petting her. This can go on for hours at a time until I notice that I can barely lift my arms any more. Clearly she’s wearing me down so I’m too exhausted to fight the inevitable when the time comes. That or my cat loves me and my petting abilities. Who knows?

6. Sleep Deprivation

I don’t need an alarm clock because my cat is there to wake me up after a sub-optimal amount of sleep to fix breakfast, but not before waking me up several times during the night after randomly zooming out of the room a few times. I’d be too tired to fight off an attack. Sleep deprivation has been used as a form of torture. My cat has it down to an art form.

7. Being At The Wrong Place At The Wrong Time

If you’ve never tripped over your cat, you’re probably some kind of ballerina or gymnast or something. My cat has a habit of being under my feet at the worst times, like around the stairs or when I’m carrying dangerous objects. Is it intentional? Probably not. But if my cat did want me dead, she’d be doing a pretty good job of trying to kill me.

8. Breaking Down My Defenses

Cats have a way of convincing you to let them get very close to your vital areas. I’d never let a human hold a sharp object to my neck, but somehow kitty¬†claws lovingly pawing at my jugular get a pass. I’m just saying that if¬†there’s anyone I let get close enough to kill me, it’s my cat.

9. Never Leaving Me Alone Long Enough To Call For Help

No room is safe from my cat. Doors can never be closed, or kitty gets upset and finds a way to make me let her in. Some might see this as a sign that my cat loves me and never wants to be away from me, but if I wanted to lock a door and call for help, I have a feeling she’d bust through the door like Jack Nicholson in The Shining before I could dial 911.

10. Stopping Evidence Collection

Let’s say my cat were to finally accomplish her goal of murdering me. The problem is that she’d get away with it because she’s an expert at obstructing evidence. Any picture or video I try to take of her doing something cute is blocked by her ability to run away, hide, or attack the camera. There’s no way I’d be able to take video of her committing the crime. She’s just too elusive.

Are there any signs your cat is trying to kill you? Does your cat ever do things to creep you out? Let us know in the comments below!

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