Everyone loves their local bodega cat. These plucky felines hold down the fort at grubby corner stores across the land, acting as equal parts vermin deterrent and customer greeter.
But what does it really take to be a professional bodega cat, beyond an ability to nap on various produce and products? Let’s break it down with the ten bodega cat commandments.
1. Lay’s chips are for loungin’
Rule number one of bodega cat law is that any and all brands of chips on display at the bodega are strictly for lonugin’ on. Buyer beware: No refunds will be granted for claw-damaged 59 cent packets of Lay’s.
2. If it fits, bodega cat sits
Remember, there is no box, carton or container in the bodega that can not be taken over by a bodega cat. This is just natural law taking effect.
3. Bodega cats cool down on the cooler
Yep, as any self-respecting bodega cat knows, when the weather gets humid and hot, you need to plonk your butt down on the ice cream cooler.
4. Bodega cat names are basic
If even the tiniest degree of thought went into naming the bodega cat, then you know you’re not dealing with a legit enterprise. Bodega cat names must be descriptive and highly uninventive. Two of my local bodega cats are named Blackie (simply because he’s a black cat) and Pounce (simply because he likes to pounce on things). Inspired.
5. Bodega cats don’t tolerate outside pets
That means no bougie yapping designer dogs in handbags — and strictly no ferrets. The bodega is a cat-only arena.
6. Only fools actually play the lotto
Forget dreams of paying a buck to strike the lotto, bodega cats know that the real prize is napping.
7. There is no such thing as bodega cat dignity
When you’ve assailed to the status of a true bodega cat, you know that you are unimpeachable in the public eye. So go forth and let it all hang out whenever the mood takes you, just like young Pounce pictured here.
8. The customer is not always right
Ancient bodega cat law decrees that what a bodega cat says is what goes. Don’t try to fight the power.
9. No one rides for free
Sure, the corner bodega has always played an important cultural role throughout history, but its feline guardians know that it is also a place of business. Pay up or move it on. And damn right there’s an ATM fee involved.
10. Bodega cats is watching
All the time.